


get used to it

by saintpyrite



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Hurt No Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:20:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27710594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saintpyrite/pseuds/saintpyrite
Summary: Virgil finds things don't change after a month.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	get used to it

_ Patton sat at the dining table, glue drying on his fingers as he held together the shattered mug. The handle had broken off, a chip around the rim. He hadn't noticed Virgil walk in, watching him try to reassemble the pieces of the mug back together.  _

_ He took a tentative step forward, pulling the chair from under the table and dragging it against the floor. It caught his boyfriend's attention, the look of focus melting away into a big smile. It pulled at Virgil's heartstrings and flooded him with a great deal of shame when he saw the bandaids on Patton's fingers, "Hey honey, I didn't hear you come in!"  _

_ "I just came in," Virgil forced himself to smile, though it felt so fake and his cheeks strained. He reached across the table to take Patton's hand, squeezing it before nodding towards the mug, "How did it break?"  _

_ Patton entangled their fingers, his large and gentle hands dwarfing Virgil's own pale, boney ones. It was no different to the warm embraces Patton would give him, holding him during long nights.  _

_ "Oh, too much pressure I think," Patton said, a smile on his face.  _

* * *

Bright light streamed through the gap in the curtains, illuminating Virgil and casting shadows across the room. 

He lifted his arm over his eyes, wishing he was dead. The skull-splitting headache coursed through him, it felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to his face and it didn't help that Virgil couldn't piece together the events of the night before. 

Vague memories of strobe lights and too many tequila shots came to mind, Roman's laughter being louder than the music and Remy dancing with him. That's right, he'd gone out with Remy and Roman. Now he remembered. 

Virgil found the strength to push himself upright, looking around the familiar room with the same pale blue walls and faded yellow curtains, the cream and blue bedsheets and an abundance of soft toys in the corner alcove. He was in Patton's bedroom. 

He was in Patton's bed. 

The realisation sunk in and hit him like a freight train if that train was hurtling at high speeds into ice cold water. Virgil tried to untangle himself from the bed sheets, the panic beginning to settle in. 

If he hadn't started spiralling, he might have been sneaky about the whole thing and gotten away with it, sneaking out of the window and shimmying his way down the drain pipe but no, the panic kicked in. He could hear the blood rushing through his body, sloshing around in his ears and the anxiety spiked when he landed on the floor with a thud, wrapped up in blankets and the duvet. 

Virgil held his breath as the shower in the adjoining bathroom cut off, followed closely by the soft pat, pat of footsteps on the carpet floor. Virgil looked up when he could make out a dark shadow looming over him, slowly pulling the duvet off his head to meet Patton's gaze. 

Patton gives him an awkward smile, holding a hand out for Virgil to take. 

God, he'd really fucked up this whole trying to move on from his ex-boyfriend thing, hadn't he? 

* * *

_ This hoodie was beginning to fray at the ends, worn with holes and chewed pieces of fabric. Virgil remembered getting this hoodie, it was five or six years ago now, on the boardwalk. They'd gone for a day out, took a stroll and found it in one of the nearby shops. It was his first date with Patton.  _

_ The thought made Virgil's heart sink into his stomach and he hoped the acid would pick away at it, a fitting punishment for what he was going to do.  _

_ Patton's voice cut through memory lane, swerving him straight back to heartbreak highway, "So did you think about what I said this morning?"  _

_ The wide eyes full of excitement and hope made Virgil sick, he wanted to go home. He didn't want to have this conversation.  _

_ Virgil took a deep breath, exhaling through his nose as he spoke, "I did."  _

_ Patton had tried not to jump to conclusions, his smile wavering when Virgil looked at him with such guilt-ridden eyes, chewing on his hoodie sleeve like that. He focused on holding the handle of his mug in place instead. _

_ "So?" he asked quietly.  _

_ "I'm sorry, Pat." Virgil said, "I can't do it."  _

* * *

Virgil wasn't sure he deserved this, maybe he did though. Maybe this was the world's way at getting back at him.

It felt strange being back here, the waft of breakfast being cooked in the kitchen and being allowed to overstay his welcome. It was far too much work to think about, too exhausting and Virgil was struggling enough with nursing his hangover, a glass of water and two aspirins in his hand. 

The whole situation was just uncomfortable and Virgil was in the worst frame of mind for coping. If it had been any other time, Virgil would have been ecstatic to be sharing breakfast with Patton but instead, he was left wanting to hurl in the nearest plant pot. Whether it was from the anxiety or the leftover tequila he was sweating out, Virgil couldn't tell. 

"Here you go," Patton put a plate down in front of him, urging him to eat. 

"Thanks," Virgil croaked out, his throat hoarse from the night before. He washed down his aspirin before picking up his knife and fork, ready to try and stomach his breakfast. 

If Lady Luck was on his side, Patton might be content to forget this encounter ever happened. He looked across the table at his ex, trying to figure him out but he couldn't be sure what was going through Patton's head. 

Maybe he'd want to drop it, maybe he'd have a long list of questions to ask like why did Virgil think it was a good idea to stumble into his house drunk off his ass and spend the night? 

Patton averted his gaze though, he couldn't get a good read on him. It just so happened that floorboards and the old paint stains on the table had become exceptionally interesting in those moments. 

Virgil couldn't blame him, he wasn't supposed to be here. It wasn't supposed to end up this way. 

* * *

_ "Okay," Patton had said.  _

_ It wasn't okay. The way Patton's smile strained, the tension in his shoulders, the way his voice wavered. Patton's whole body looked as if it was trying to protect itself, he looked so small.  _

_ Virgil wished he could have left it there, that he could have swept it under the carpet like they did with everything else they avoided but some problems are too big to ignore. It was the elephant in the room, one so inherently stubborn.  _

_ "You don't look okay," Virgil said, because what else was there to say?  _

_ "Okay," Patton repeated through clenched teeth in a feeble attempt to convince himself, more so than he was trying to convince Virgil. The way his fingers flexed and his body hunched over, Virgil could tell he was trying to push everything down. You recognise the signs when you've spent six years together.  _

_ The chair scraped against the floorboards as Patton got up from his seat. The mug shattered into pieces, hurtled into the bin with enough force that Virgil could feel it in his bones.  _

_ Patton ran a hand through his thick curls, "I can't believe this…"  _

_ "This isn't easy for me either, Patton," Virgil pressed his lips together in a tight, thin line when the bin slammed shut. He locked eyes with his boyfriend, "I'm just not ready."  _

_ "When will you be ready?" Patton's voice cracked under the pressure, he could only keep his thoughts to himself for so long. "In a year? Two years? What about another six?"  _

* * *

Beans swirled around the white plate, dragging streaks of oranges. Virgil could feel the tension in the air, stifling and heavy but he didn't know what to say to ease it. He wasn't sure if there was anything he could say. 

"You should probably go home," Patton spoke up, his voice calm and steady as if this break up hadn't hurt him as well. "I can call Roman or Remy, see if they'll come pick you up or do you need me to call you a taxi?" 

Virgil swallowed down the lump in his throat, letting his fork rest on the edge of the plate. He wasn't sure why he felt so restless, Patton didn't want to talk about it just as he had hoped but now that Virgil had gotten what he wanted, he felt as if he could scream. 

Maybe he just thought Patton would want to talk about what happened, he was always so open with his feelings in the past. 

Virgil felt as if he might spiral and he had no control over himself. He hated this awkward tension hanging between them, unsaid words and possibilities unknown. If he couldn't have his boyfriend back, Virgil wanted to have his best friend back without this mess hanging over them at the very least. 

"Shouldn't we talk about this?" 

Patton's expression soured, it was clear he had no intention on reliving last night or remembering it whatsoever. Virgil couldn't let it go though, could he? 

"Patton," Virgil frowned, "Come on, this is us. We should be talking about this." 

“Why do you want to talk now?" Patton snapped, though the anger subsided and there was only guilt in those big brown eyes. He averted Virgil’s gaze, staring down at his food instead, "We had plenty of opportunities to talk, Virgil, so why now? What's the point?" 

Fuck, how did everything go wrong so fast? 

* * *

_ "Why do you have to make me out to be so shitty?" Virgil pushed up from the table, sending his chair hurtling to the floor from the force. "It isn't as if this is an easy choice for me to make, Patton!"  _

_ "We've been together six years!" Patton threw up his arms, hands flailing wildly as he exclaimed, "Six years and I mention moving in together, finding something for us that was ours and as usual, you freak out and make it such a big deal!"  _

_ "It is a big deal to me!" Virgil narrowed his eyes when his boyfriend scoffed, the bitterness boiling to the forefront now. This would be the leading topic of conversation with his therapist for a long time now, sorry Picani, "You can't tell me it won't change anything either, it will!"  _

_ "It won't!"  _

_ "How can you know that?" Virgil felt the fight leave him, knuckles paling as his grip tightened on the edge of the table and he found himself continuing when Patton said nothing in rebuttal, "If we move in together, everything could go wrong. Our whole dynamic would change when everything is so much better as it is without the pressure. I don't understand why it has to be anything more than that."  _

_ Patton frowned, his voice warbling and hesitant, "It doesn't have to be… " _

_ Virgil had him backed into a corner with nowhere to run, "So why are you acting as if it does?"  _

* * *

Patton had escaped the tense silence to make a call, leaving Virgil with the remains of his breakfast and water. He could make out bits and pieces of the conversation if he strained to listen, knowing he was calling Remy. He really wanted to get him out of the house and after that little fiasco, who wouldn't? 

He looked up when he heard Patton come back through, phone in hand. He looked tense, it wasn't a good look on him, Virgil just wanted to reach out and kiss away the frown, get back the smile that made his heart do flips. 

"Remy will pick you up in a bit," Patton said. 

“Thanks," Virgil looked away, focusing on the water. He took a drink. 

He wanted to say something, there was so much to say. Virgil wanted Patton to know why he'd chosen to come here, slipping away in the dead of night to stumble upon Patton's door. It wasn't a smart idea but he couldn't stop himself. 

"I'm still in love with you," the words fell out, heavy-handed and loaded. He met Patton's gaze, hoping the man felt the same way. 

Patton merely sighed, weary of this back and forth. His smile didn't quite reach his eyes and the hope drained from Virgil regardless of the answer. 

" I know you do, I love you too but," Patton chewed on the inside of his cheek, buying time to come up with the best way to put it. "Virgil, we can't be doing this again. I need my space from you, time to heal. I'm sorry." 

There it was, the catch and Virgil knew it. They'd seemed so good for each other, Virgil was certain they still could be but he couldn't make Patton take him back. 

As much as he wanted him to. 

* * *

_ Virgil came out with his rucksack in hand, standing at the top of the stairs.  _

_ At the bottom, he could see Patton sitting there with his head in his hands. He looked so downtrodden, so defeated and it made Virgil feel guilty for doing this to him. They'd made a decision though, it was time to end things.  _

_ Virgil didn't want to end things though. _

_ "Remy said he'd pick me up," Virgil disclosed, making his way down the stairs. Patton didn't stir from his hunched position, picking away at the glue on his fingers. "He won't be long."  _

_ The clock was so loud in the background, the sound was making Virgil's ears ring. He hated these long stretches of silence, he just wanted Patton to say something - anything - but the man's jaw was clenched tight, teeth grinding together.  _

_ He was hurting, Virgil was hurting too.  _

_ "Patton, we could still talk about this--" Virgil flinched back when Patton moved too suddenly, a look of disbelief peering from behind those big round glasses, "We could fix this, fix us."  _

_ "What's the point, Virgil?" Patton's voice cracked, the way his name sounded so painful for him to say slammed into Virgil, reverberating through his ribcage and tackling his heart. "You've told me no, you've made it clear that no future with me is worth taking risks." _

_ "I--" Virgil clamped shut, uncertain how to defend his actions. "I'm just not ready, Pat." _

_ "If you're not ready with me after six years, you won't be ready for me ever," Patton rubbed at his eyes, pushing his glasses up and knocking them askew, "I can't have a relationship that doesn't move forward with me."  _

* * *

It shouldn't have been hard to find his coat, phone and wallet but they were just tossed across the room haphazardly. The room was a mess, organised chaos Patton once called it. 

He'd once joked Patton only cleaned up the bedroom when he was expecting company, turns out Virgil wasn't the type of surprise company Patton cleaned up for. He winced at the thought, he was a bed warmer at best now and a regretful one night stand at worst. Neither was appealing. 

Remy would be here soon, Virgil was quick to get moving. He'd only feel worse if he stuck around, wondering how long it would be until Patton brought another man into what was once their bed. 

Virgil couldn't help the gnawing in the back of his head, how long would it be until Patton replaced him? Until six years together became memories and nothing more? 

Grabbing his coat from under the bed, he checked for his wallet, keys and phone. They were all there thankfully. 

He left the bedroom and with it, he tried to forget the confessions and late night talks, the laughter that bounced off the walls and the way Patton had called his name last night and the nights before that. It only left him stewing in what once was. 

Once again, he found himself descending the staircase with Patton waiting at the bottom, it could have been mistaken for a fairytale if it wasn't for the heavy burden of shame. This wasn't a fairytale, Patton was no prince and there was no happy ending for them. 

* * *

_ Remy was outside, the car horn beeping insistently as if it would make Virgil move faster. Instead, Virgil found himself stalling for time in hopes Patton would change his mind, tell him to stay, anything that meant they could fix this.  _

_ They wanted different things though. It wasn't fair on Patton for them to continue seeing each other this way when they were on diverging paths. It was time to let go.  _

_ Virgil took a deep breath, looking back at Patton as he stepped outside of the front door. The longing for familiarity and comfort overwhelming as he looked into those eyes that made him weak in the knees. He couldn't help him, one last moment of weakness.  _

_ "Virgil," Patton tried to pull back.  _

_ "Just this last time," Virgil whispers, pulling him in until their lips touched, a ghost's hair away from one another. He waited, he wouldn't do it if Patton said no, "Just one last kiss, please."  _

_ Patton hesitated, quivering fingers at his sides but the ache was too hard to ignore. His hands went up to cup Virgil's face and Virgil tangled his fingers in those wispy curls. Closing the gap, the two poured six years of love and affection and desperation into this one kiss, it was so bittersweet to know this would be the last time.  _

_ "I love you, Patton," Virgil whispered against his lips.  _

_ Patton choked back a sob, his hands dropping from where they held Virgil's face. He forced on a smile, strained and teary-eyed. _

_ "I love you too, Virgil."  _

* * *

This was familiar. 

Deja vu washed over Virgil as he walked to the door, his feet heavy and his chest tight. He hoped things might change, just as he had done back then. He wanted Patton to ask him to stay, god, how foolish was he to think one night together meant anything was different than it had been a month ago? 

Patton didn't let him linger, coming from behind to unlock and open the door. He watched Virgil expectantly, forcing life to stir into Virgil’s body as he dragged his feet out of the door.

He looked back like he had done once before and reached out, pulling Patton in close by his shirt, "One last kiss?" 

He went to kiss him but Patton leaned back, prising Virgil from him. He offered a sad smile, shaking his head before stepping back inside. 

Patton closed the door. For good this time. 


End file.
